A year ago this month, doubt started to creep into my head. Something that seemed normal and easy for everyone else around me, was starting to not be easy for us. November had come and gone, December too, then January and February joined the mix of disappointments. Month by month I went from hopeful and excited to sad and distant. Each month I would take a test I dreaded knowing it would be no but secretly hoping I’d be wrong. Each no making me feel more and more like a failure.
I think the hardest part of walking through 12 months of NOs was that feeling of deep failure only to walk into the next month and have to try and find hope again. For me, praying kept me hopeful. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give us a chance. That God would give me patience and remind me that this was not on my schedule, my timeline, my control. Real talk? This sucked and was really hard. For someone like me who loves to plan and finds comfort in knowing, not having any control was disheartening. Part of me thinks God was waiting for me to stop planning, stop counting months, stop worrying and just TRUST him. Let go of the control, let go of the anxiety and fear and just give it to him.
A lot of me thinks that’s what the past two years of our marriage have been all about. God has consistently given us challenges that are outside of my control, only to lead me to lean on Sterling for support and God for his timing. For someone who hates change, these lessons at times feel impossible. I hate not knowing and not having a plan but this is faith. For a control freak like me, I’ve learned that it really does feel so good to just let go and trust.
Once we hit the year mark and started to seek out more answers we found peace from Doctors who started to reassure us with some game plans. We let go, knowing that it was out of our control and just trusted. It felt good to work with Doctors who are super smart and made us feel hopeful. It was swift and overwhelming how powerful letting go and trusting others was. Two weeks later, when we least expected it, I took another dreaded test, expecting another dreaded NO, only to get very exciting and surprising YES. Three confirmed yesses later and we were over the moon to know that we were PREGNANT!
We are so excited to welcome our first baby in August of 2020. The second trimester is already proving to be infinitely better than the first, not only for me and my stomach but for Sterling’s sanity. For anyone wondering, we still haven’t decided if we’re going to find out the gender but don’t worry, when we know, you’ll know.
Each Doctor’s appointment has gotten more and more fun and we are very blessed with a Doctor who spoils us with lots of ultrasounds. We’ve loved seeing our baby suck it’s thumb already, bones showing up on the screen, hearing the heartbeat and bragging on how big its brain is already! Our little bean is growing fast and we couldn’t be happier.
Sterling and I are so excited for this next adventure (and let’s be real also kind of terrified) but mostly can’t wait to meet this new little love. Happy Valentines Day!