A year ago this month, doubt started to creep into my head. Something that seemed normal and easy for everyone else around me, was starting to not be easy for us. November had come and gone, December too, then January and February joined the mix of disappointments. Month by month I went from hopeful and excited to sad and distant. Each month I would take a test I dreaded knowing it would be no but secretly hoping I’d be wrong. Each no making me feel more and more like a failure.
I think the hardest part of walking through 12 months of NOs was that feeling of deep failure only to walk into the next month and have to try and find hope again. For me, praying kept me hopeful. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give us a chance. That God would give me patience and remind me that this was not on my schedule, my timeline, my control. Real talk? This sucked and was really hard. For someone like me who loves to plan and finds comfort in knowing, not having any control was disheartening. Part of me thinks God was waiting for me to stop planning, stop counting months, stop worrying and just TRUST him. Let go of the control, let go of the anxiety and fear and just give it to him. Read More »
I hate change. Ugh hate it. It makes me a monster enslaved to anxiety and I fall into a mopey madness of “The grass is always greener where I was last”. This flaw, which yes is a flaw for me, is my least favorite. It’s my least favorite because it’s OBNOXIOUS, it holds me back in comfort rather than letting my adventurous heart soar. I yearn to be one of those people that just rolls with the punches and celebrates new experiences, jumps for joy over unplanned adventures. While I’m working on it, praying over it, actively practicing, it’s still really hard for me.
My journey into/back to/exploring my faith more deeply has helped me so much. It was this past January that a friend asked if I wanted to go to church with her and I thought “Sure, why not!” I went with hope and left with peace. We have had a lot of changes since January and going to church and giving it to God has given me so much peace when normally I would be an angry ball of crazy. Faith has made these transitions, big decisions and changes easier for me because I’m choosing to give it to God. In all honesty, I have to because I hate the feeling of not knowing what will happen. I hate the idea of making big mistakes or of going down the wrong path. It makes it easier to trust in a greater power that is watching out for me, has my best interest at heart. Without God, it’s all up to me and since I’m far from perfect the anxiety of choosing the wrong thing is paralyzing at times. I love praying for God to take my fear, my anxiety and give me peace. The reality is, everything will work out. I am deeply blessed and I need to remind myself of this in the midst of decisions and change. Giving my fear to God gives me the brain power to remember that certain changes are good and that everything happens for a reason.
Before I chose to walk more closely with God I firmly believed in fait and especially the expression of “everything happens for a reason”. Now choosing to believe more deeply gives me a greater sense of this. My life feels more purposeful than arbitrary decisions that could lead to regret. Now my choices, paths and changes feel like a step in my story versus a potential mistake. This mind-shift has enabled me to trust my path and embrace change more readily because it can’t be a mistake, just a part of the story. While I may not always understand and I may hate the anxiety of change I’m forcing myself to remember that everything happens for a reason and I am blessed and need to be grateful.
The ugly truth of this flaw of mine (that I hate change) is that it makes me ungrateful for my blessings. I realized it this past Sunday at church. I have been SPITTING on my blessings. Prayers have been answered, doors opened, great wild beautiful adventures revealed and my poor little silly heart is so swept up in fear and sadness because of change that I have been spitting on all those beautiful blessings. Instead of singing out with gratitude and seeing the potential and the excitement of these changes I have instead let myself wallow. Yes wallow. Silly little girl making problems out of blessings instead of blessings out of blessings. It hit me this Sunday and I felt sorry. And I pronounced right then that it is time to stop. Stop wallowing in change when change means I’m moving forward, walking step by step in my story and living the life I was meant to live. One of my favorite quotes from Pinterest that I saw a few years ago is “A ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built”. I’m ready to embrace the change, or try at least because let’s be real, I can be a hot mess sometimes and I’m not perfect.
Sterling and I have some big changes coming soon that many of our close friends know about. We are praying for a few final details to fall into place before sharing big news with everyone. What you need to know now is that I am hopeful, grateful and working on embracing the change that is another part of our story.
Prayers welcome, if you’re a prayer. If not – pizza and giggles over girly movies are SO WELCOME too.