A year ago this month, doubt started to creep into my head. Something that seemed normal and easy for everyone else around me, was starting to not be easy for us. November had come and gone, December too, then January and February joined the mix of disappointments. Month by month I went from hopeful and excited to sad and distant. Each month I would take a test I dreaded knowing it would be no but secretly hoping I’d be wrong. Each no making me feel more and more like a failure.
I think the hardest part of walking through 12 months of NOs was that feeling of deep failure only to walk into the next month and have to try and find hope again. For me, praying kept me hopeful. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give us a chance. That God would give me patience and remind me that this was not on my schedule, my timeline, my control. Real talk? This sucked and was really hard. For someone like me who loves to plan and finds comfort in knowing, not having any control was disheartening. Part of me thinks God was waiting for me to stop planning, stop counting months, stop worrying and just TRUST him. Let go of the control, let go of the anxiety and fear and just give it to him. Read More »